YOUR WORDS CAN CUT LIKE A KNIFE

This past Tuesday started out as a typical day for me. I awoke at 4:00 am unable to sleep due to my diet pills and sleep apnea, so I went into work at 5:30 am. I was weary that morning, working on about 3 hours of sleep, concerned for my son who was ill and my desk at work - torn between being a good mom or a hard worker who cares about her job, especially in these times.

I called to wake up my son at 7:05 thinking despite the illness and pain he would be able to go to school; knowing how important it was to him and me, since he is a Senior this year. I could tell when he answered the phone that he was in pain and my heart was sad wanting to leave work and take him to the doctor right that moment, but I knew I needed make an appointment. I sent an email to my supervisor advising her of the situation stating, " I would need to leave work a little early that day, since my son was so sick."

My supervisor did not arrive until 8:00, which is my normal scheduled time as well. She must of checked her email sometime after 8:30, because I know I had already called the doctor's office and scheduled my son for 3:15. Her email reply concerned me, because she was implying that this would be considered an occurrence. She stated that she was concerned for my desk (not me) receiving numerous complaint calls, I was messing up on my files, and I never returned my calls.

What is the saying read between the lines. I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress,so needless to say it appears to be worse when I am very tired and weary. I went to her desk to discuss her email to me, since the comments were not founded on truth.

I stood in front of her trying to be respectful and diplomatic in the words I choose to address the situation. I looked at her and said, "please give me an example of how I have not meet your expectations in the handling of my files." She immediately crossed her hands across her chest, her eyes narrowed to almost black slits, and she pushed her chair back from me glaring up at me with a snarl across her lips....the bale poured forth from her lips as she stated, " you are the only adjuster I get complaints on, you never return your calls, and you failed to add the person's name to the shop check." I took a deep breath looked her straight in her eyes and stated, "Are you serious? I am the only adjuster that you get complaint calls on?" There are 4 other adjusters on our team and one had just completed 90 days of probation for the same and worse. She stated, "Yes your the only adjuster that there are valid complaints against, you never return your calls, and you mess up constantly." She than stated, "that she no longer wanted to discuss it and turned her back to me."

I went back to my desk sat there crying silently as I worked on my desk....thinking about how I have stayed until 6 and 7 some night to return calls, given customers my own personal cell number to help them, given guidance and help to my team mates whenever asked, even though I was swamped myself.I felt like a battery that someone had drained all the juice from...I had no energy, no spark of life, and I could not get my engine started....the only thing that seems to be flowing were the silent tears that kept rolling down my cheeks. I cried until I could not see with my back to the wall of my petition. I went outside several times to smoke, but nothing seemed to calm my bundle of nerves. I felt as if I was having a out of body experience.

Later that evening at home I sat on my couch and the days events all came flooding back to me...I realized as I sat there crying again that my supervisor had caused me to have a PTS moment. I suffer from PTS, because I was in a emotional and physically abusive marriage for 16 years. Her words, the look on her face, the way she spoke to me was a female version of my ex-husband...her words slicing through my emotional soul just like he had so many years ago.

I have come to realize that the physical wounds have long since healed from his hands, but the emotional ones are like fresh cuts that someone tore the band-aid off...just as hurtful as the day it occurred. I do not write this to point a finger at my supervisor, but it is more of a need to understand how PTS effects me, and in the hopes that someone will read this and relate to how their words can effect someone in a very profound way and at others can feel like a knife slicing through your emotional skin, so please think before you speak....your words once spoken can never be taken back.....they can and will leave scars for years to come.